life is difficult (wow 2nd post for the day)
Let me start off by saying, I love my babies more than anything and I would do anything in the world for them. And I am sorry if the following post sounds like I am complaining but I need to get this off my chest somewhere and well, this is an online journal, just people read it other than me. I am starting this on Sunday, April 22, let's see when I get to finish it.
Things are just so tough. During the week I get 3 hours a night to myself and then when I take over D does an hour or two of freelance work before going to bed. So neither of us get much sleep. During my "break" I eat dinner, make bottles, and various other things depending on what is needed (fold laundry, run to the store, help D if babies are fussy, etc). Sometimes, if time allows, I get a nap. I am going on day 3 with no nap. On the weekend I get more time (unless we are going somewhere or having company), but than again, more stuff to do (food shopping, pay bills, etc.) D gets home around 7ish and eats dinner and then takes over to give me my 3 hours. He needs to work obviously, and he needs to do this freelance work to make ends meet. So it is a vicious cycle. The babies sleep anywhere from 4-5 hours to longer during the night and they are not on any particular nap schedule yet and eat every 3 hours during the day. I can usually get a chunk of sleep at night, but still, I have my glasses on. So it is like one eye is opened and one foot is on the floor. Right now, due to their congestion, they are sleeping in their bouncy seats (it helps for them to be upright). So due to that and the fact that we are not ready to just use the monitor overnight yet, I stay with the babies overnight. While I know D is at work all day and does not get enough sleep, he gets uninterrupted sleep in the bed every night. And he doesn't get it at all. We fight all the time because we are both exhausted. Yesterday I actually left the house because I felt that it was better for the babies to not have us fighting. And he gets to shower and shave and well not put on make up but makes himself presentable and deals with adults all day. I spend most days a mess and feeling gross until my shower at night and I am alone alot of the time with the babies until he comes home. I will probably be alone less now that the weather is getting nicer and RSV season is almost over, so we can be out and about. I am currently collecting unemployment, it will end in August. I am so worried about what we will do after that. I told him that I have no problem with getting a part time job as long as he will watch the babies when I need to go to work. The problem again, no time. We have no one to help us more than they already are, which is not much. I am so scared and worried about being able to mentally and financially care for my babies. I am ok most of the times, but sometimes when things are not going well (spitting up, not eating, etc.) I get so insecure and feel like a horrible mother. And I feel like he does nothing to help that. When I finally break down, D tells me, I need to be strong for the babies and if they see me cry or a frown on their face it is not good for them. I am trying to get back to dieting but given everything I just said, it is so hard. D has lost alot of weight (weighs less than me now) and looks great. And when he goes way overboard and complains about that he is eating too much (nothing compared to the damamge I do) or how fat he looks, it makes me feel so awful. I was sick right after Easter for over a week. I had to beg him to stay home from work so I could go to the doctor. While I do not think I have post partum depression, I do think that I am not as I should be. Life is just so hard sometimes and I have a really tough time dealing with it. I feel unappreciated and taken forgranted by D. I have told him that and he doesn't care. I guess it really doesn't matter, as long as the babies are taken care of. Today is our 6 year anniversary, it is a miracle that he got me a card. We are going out to dinner tomorrow, I guess we will see how that goes. I just feel so crappy. I don't really expect comments on this, like I said, I just needed to write this. Wow it is still April 22 and I guess I am done. (I know there are not paragraphs and such, oh well.) And 30 minutes left until I am back "on duty" to get a nap.
posted by ilyse @ 8:35 PM
2 Comments:
First, lots of hugs going your way. It is hard taking care of children. Especially when they are born early. I wanted to pull out my hair when I had to wake up every three hours to feed Peter. And especially when Brandon came and I had two little ones to take care of. And all though I was glad that dh was there to help, I was doing most of the "dirty work" while he got to sleep. I wish I could make it easier now for you, but do know that it does get easier as the babies grow. They will get into a routine and sleep better. My advice would be to sleep when they sleep and don't worry about the dishes, laundry, etc (a good friend told me this and I finally wised up to it!). I'm sorry to hear that D doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Maybe you should sit him down and tell him again how you feel and what he can do to help you. Men really don't think sometimes (some!) and don't realize how serious the situation really is. Regarding the financial status, maybe you guys can cut back on somethings (cable, etc.). When my unemployment ran out, we stopped eatting out, cut off cable and other unneccesary items. Maybe when the babies are eating and sleeping a little better you can look for a part-time night position. Can he handle the kids at night for a couple of hours? I wish I could go there and give you a hug. I know how hard it is and just want you to know that you are an EXCELLENT mommy to those two beautiful little ones. Don't ever feel like your not doing a good job because that is so not true! Look at them!! That says it all! Give me a call anytime if you ever need to talk. From one preemie mommy to another - you are truely a wonderful mommy.
I must say that, when Chris was a baby, I too felt tired, underappreciated and frustrated - and Chris was born past-due with no complications!
What you are feeling is very normal - but added with a spice of inadequate caring on D's part. When you have a quite moment, you need to tell D straight how you feel - that you need a little more help from him, that you are tired and frustrated. Even though he is the one who is working, there is no reason why ha can't help you a little overnight when the babies wake up. My DH did - and he still went to work the next morning.
You are a wonderful mother - and have taken on more responsibility than most. Things will get better as they get older and shift into a nap/feeding schedule. It just takes some time.
Will be thinking of you...
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