another vent- no need to respond to my pity party

Of course another vent mostly about D. Where do I begin.

He has no sense of urgency. When we go places, I can't get him to leave when is best for the babies and I end up looking like miss bitch. I just get them packed up and walk to the car and start to get ready to go and he gets the message. He says ok when I say we have to go but then takes his time. Also when it is time for a feeding or a nap or whatever he is slow as s*** and hello?? when they are fussing it is in everyones best interest to try to accommodate them as quickly as possible. Maybe I am too quick but I just try to keep my babies as comfortable as possible at all times. I hate when he's like this especially in front of people. He makes it out like I'm crazy and have no patience, when all it is is that I want my babies to be happy and I am exhausted and I have no patience for slowpokes.

Justin has breathing issues so we don't leave him alone when he sleeps. So it is not like ok they are sleeping, we get time now. We don't. So I think I am alone on this one. I know that also I have vented about it before. He just doesn't get it, I think he resents me because I am home with them. I am not saying that I don't love being with them because I do, but it is not normal circumstances. And he has never once said, I'll get them if they wake up overnight or in the morning. The rare occasion that he does help out those times, I have already gotten up and am doing it. I would love to sleep a little longer for just once. He doesn't get why I have nothing done that I need to and I get a fight when I ask for time to do it. I usually get the time but I could do without the argument. And it usually is not stuff that can wait until later, trust me that stuff has not gotten done in over a year. It is stuff like make bottles, write thank you cards, pay bills, pick up my bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding. His reasoning is that he has freelance work to do, which I am glad he has but the babies are already starting to want me over him and he wonders why. I offered to go back to work part time at night or weekends so he could have more time with the babies and he says that he brings in more money doing freelance than I would doing that. It is just very frustrating.

Ok, this one is not about D. The babies, mostly Justin, have so many issues and just everyday life is a struggle for them and I feel it is my fault and it is also starting to all get to me. I feel like my body could not handle the pregnancy so they came early and that I didn't care for them properly when they came home and now look at the issues. It's never like oh wow, what should we do today. It's like what therapy/doctor appointments do we have today. My poor baby. It is just really taking it's toll. Ds has the breathing issue we spoke about so he has had to sleep sitting up, which has cause severe torticollis and his body to compensate so it is like all scrunched up when he sits. This all has caused severe physical developmental delays. Both of them have feeding issues and need feeding therapy. All of the previous mentioned has caused Justin to not gain enough weight, he is not even on the charts and they are worried about him. Both babies have flat spots on their heads and they are getting evaluate for helmets tomorrow, which makes me so sick that they have to have them, the only reason I gave the ok was that this is for the rest of their lives.

But it is just one thing after another. All of this goes back to why Justin can't sleep in his crib. And it is effecting his quality of life big time, and not to be selfish but mine and D's too. I mean they are still eating a million times a day because they can't/usually won't always eat alot at one time. And now they are getting up during the night. Not that I ever slept great since they have been home but now I am getting very little sleep again. Also naps are all over the place since they have so many appointments. So because of that and Justin not being in his crib yet, we have not sleep trained yet. Sometimes it is really tough (especially alone!) trying to get them to sleep. Times that by 2, 3 times a day! It is really too long for this to be so much work. Mil, her mom and sister all lived in the same house when D and his brother were born. So the men (D and fil) in the family have no idea, even though D does see it by living here and staying with them when I need to go food shopping or take a shower. D gets mad at me and tells me I'm wrong but I really feel like he always tries to take the easy way out. Like he won't help out as willingly when it is time to put them to bed or do a feeding on a fussy day. It's just so hard and I long for the day's when life will get a little easier for all of us. I have to say, the babies are such troopers, they are very happy babies. That is usually what keeps me going.

I just need a break so bad. I need for someone else to take charge and let me just hang out with the babies during the day and sleep at night and let them do the hard stuff for a while. I need to be taken care of. I know this all sounds so selfish, I'm just so tired. I mean really really tired. I have had some help this summer from Ds teenage cousins but it is not enough. All of the adults work. When I tell D this, he tells me to stop complaining and that I should be grateful for the help I get. I am extremely, but I need more. He thinks all I do is complain. I feel very alone. Those that are close to me know that my mom is not normal and we do not have a normal mother/daughter relationship. That in itself upsets me alot. She is a selfish woman and if things do not revolve around her enough, she finds ways to drive everyone crazy to get attention. When she is here (she lives in Florida) her help is no help. We have to help her to help us, so not worth it!!! I guess you could call A my best friend, she is great when she comes through but she is not reliable and has her own kids. Like I said, I feel very alone. I can't wait for the days the babies call me mommy and make me pictures and give me hugs. I know this will make everything all worth it.