still feel crappy
Only this time literally as well as emotionally. I have a cold. So I did not get to go see my babies today and I was not happy about it. I will go tomorrow because I need to drop off my milk (I have been told that it is ok to pump while I have a cold) but I will ask for a mask when near my babies and I won't stay long. I just miss them so much. I hate this.
I hate having to rely on other people (the nurses) to take care of them and to have to ask to hold them or to do anything else with them. I want things to be normal and just to be able to take them home and live our lives.
I feel like it is my fault that they were born so early and in the NICU in the first place. Like I said before, we forced my body to do something it couldn't handle. And now I am having a tough time getting a good milk supply with pumping and now because I got run down from not getting enough sleep (due to pumping at night/early morning) I got sick. I really just feel like I can't do anything right. I know, I know, I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it.
posted by ilyse @ 7:03 PM
5 Comments:
Ilyse,
I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can really say to help you feel better, but I'd like to offer this:
I got sick after the boys were born as well. I wore masks and probably stayed longer than I should. It really does suck to be on someone else's schedule to hold or do anything with your babies that your instincts tell you to do. Soon this will all be a distant memory although I know the days are dragging right now. Please try to give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. You deserve that. Blame, as unwarranted as it is, I think, is just part of having a premie or a very sick child. Just look at those beautiful little faces that are growing and getting more healthy by the day when you need that little extra strength!
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!!!!
Dana
I totally agree with Dana. But please know that regardless of what you did to concieve the babies, it still isn't your fault that they came early. I didn't get sick while Peter was in the hospital, but dh did and he wore a mask while he held him. I know how hard it is to not want to hold, care for your babies when you want to, but please know that the nurses are taking good care of them and getting them ready to come home to you and dh. Try to rest, take fluids and get better soon. It took a while for me to get my milk to come in for Peter, but when it did, it was a lot. I'm going to send you an email soon. Lots of hugs and kisses from us.
ICU time was the longest and worst time of my life. If time would only go slow now that she's here in my home! I know how you feel, and I still have days I blame myself for everything my daughter goes through, but it really isn't yours or my fault for these things.
It's also very common for twins to come early, regardless of how they were conceived.
One day, like all of us (Dana, Amy and me) this will just be a memory and you'll be cherishing every moment with them at home.
I hope you feel better and I hope the NICU time is as short as possible.
I'll keep praying.
Ilyse, first congratulations that the twins are here! They are beautiful and I'm so sorry I didn't come by sooner and send you all love and good wishes.
Big huge hugs to you! You did great honey and are continuing to do everything you can for them. Take care of yourself too, yeah I know everyone says it... it's damn hard with all the worry too. Let people surround you with help and love.
I hope they are out soon and in your arms for good. Sending you all more love and our prayers.
I wish I could do something to take this hurt away from you... But, I hope in time (once your beautiful babies are home with you - happy and healthy) you can think of your self as a good mommy. Even though your body has failed you time and time again, it DID allow you to have these 2 precious babies in your life. They are here to hold - and having a mommy who worries and misses them every waking second is the best gift they could have asked for.
Will continue to think of you...
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