feel crappy
We have been going to the hospital each day and it is getting so hard. I hate seeing them there hooked up to tubes and monitors and I hate leaving them there. Don't get me wrong, for their age and size they are doing great. They have finally started to put on weight and neither is on IV anymore, they are being fed through a tube only. And only Justin is still on a very little bit of oxygen and will probably come off soon. The two big issues are her enlarged ventricles and fluid on her brain and his bradycardia episodes. Thank god her issues are not as bad as they originally thought and there is no pressure being put on her brain, which is such good news. And as for his issue, it is when the babies are preemies and they forget to breath and their heartrate goes down. It is a regular thing seen in the NICU but it is just scary for the parents who are not used to this.
Anyway, I am not anywhere near having PPD (post partum depression) at least I don't think so (don't worry if I start to feel worse, I will get help), although I can tell that D is worried about it and the few times I have cried since I have been home he has been really concerned. Like I said earlier I just hate leaving them. And I feel like a failure that I could not carry them to term, that my body is just so messed up and we forced it to do something it couldn't handle. And I am not thrilled with my body, I know it is still early to feel that way and that the babies are not even 2 weeks old, I am just feeling very fat and disgusting. And I am pumping and while I am getting milk, it is not the amount it should be at this point. So again I feel broken. When going through infertility, you feel like your body doesn't work properly and think that when you finally get pregnant, it won't feel like that anymore. Well I still do. I know we are so lucky and blessed to have our two little miracles, and I shouldn't complain but just the way I feel about myself is not great at the moment, and I just want things to be normal. I want to bring my babies home like a normal person. I am not dwelling on this all the time but when I stop and think about things, I feel like this. So I try not to let that happen too much.
Anyway, here are some pics from yesterday.
Eleni 11 days old
Justin 11 days old
posted by ilyse @ 8:51 PM
4 Comments:
Ilyse, NICU life can be so hard and a lot of the feelings you feel will not escape you. Here I am 1 1/2 years after ME was born and still, I have heartache from what I feel was robbed from me, and from her. And once and a while I still cry over what we both have experienced. It's totally normal. You have every right to cry. I remember when they took ME out of a huge surgery and she was all bandaged up, bloody and extremely puffy. I cried so hard, and the nurse suggested I had PPD. But I didn't. I'm glad so far you seem to be escaping it, but tell Dino that tears don't always mean depression. You are just being a mom who misses her babies and wants to take them home and have them be healthy.
And remember what I told you about pumping, its not the same- you are not broken, its very hard to get the milk going up to speed. I wish so much that things could've been easier for you.
You are definitely NOT a failure, you are a great mom and have done all you can for them.
I'm here for you to talk more about this whenever you need to.
Give them my love and kisses -they are beautiful and precious and I'm so glad their issues aren't anything more than what they are, may they get stronger by the minute.
:) always in my prayers-
Ilyse,
I have to echo what Jess said! Of course you feel sad! Daddies love their babies, but they don't seem to get as teary as we do. I cried and cried and then cried more when I had to leave the boys.
Justin and Ellie are doing so great (much better than my guys were doing at their age)! I even went through "why me/us?" moments and got angry at people getting to leave the hospital with their babies (just not the other NICU mommies). And the very thought of having to ask to hold them blew my mind (especially when told no).
You are now a member of another somewhat exclusive club now. NICU vet mommies! I know it can be scary (especially the bradys), but he'll remember. He may even get caffeine. I joked when my boys get it that their daddy couldn't function without his morning cup of coffee, so they should have theirs too. I'm here too if you need a shoulder!!!
I wish there was something more that I could do than just listen... I can't imagine how hard it is for you to leave those precious children in the hospital every day - and I pray they will be well enough very soon so you can take them home with you.
You are a fantastic mommy already - you want to wipe every hurt away from them, and it breaks your heart that you can't right now. How you feel is normal - and I hope D will understand that in time.
We are here for you. **HUGS**
First, Happy Thanksgiving! I can relate to everything that you are feeling. We tend to blame ourselves for the occurences in our lives. Maybe if we ate better, maybe if we did things different. But to tell you the truth, sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. It isn't your fault that the babies were born early. Like I tell everyone, Peter just wanted to come out and play earlier than expected. I'm glad that you don't have PPD and that you are handling things much better than I did. But please know, that I am here if you ever need anything. Be it information or someone to just talk to. You are a wonderful and amazing mommy for doing your best and going beyond that to get the babies what they need. Regarding the breastmilk, it will take a while before it comes in. The first thing that comes is called "liquid gold" and is the best thing for the babies. Soon after your milk will come. As hard as it seems, my only advice is to keep hydrated and sleep as much as you can now because once the babies come home, you won't be doing that anymore. :) Lots of hugs and kisses going to you, dh and the babies.
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