in respose to.....
Tina's comment on my last post or at least this part:
Just because you don't work outside the home (and this is in reference to D and your previous post) doesn't mean you are not doing HARD WORK. Having a baby is hard work - having twins is harder - and having twins with special needs right now is harder still. You need support, time for yourself, and sleep - and D has GOT to start giving you some help! I would not stand for that - I watched my mother be walked all over for all my life (and still is).
First, I just want to say, I am making a separate post for this because I am upset at the moment and need to get it off my chest and secondly because I wanted to respond to it.
You are right. But the problem is, I think he honestly feels that he is doing the best he can. He is not running around on me, he doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, go out with his friends for all hours, etc. He works and then comes home and does more freelance work. We do need the money so I am grateful for the freelance work he has. I just feel he needs better time management skills so that he can do his freelance when they sleep and be with the babies on the weekends at least when they are awake, either as a family or to give me a break. He does "watch" them when I go food shopping, have an occasional social thing (this just started), or need to run a baby-free errand on the weekend. But I agree, he does need to do more, as they are his babies too!! So that brings me back to what I said, he honestly thinks he is doing the best he can by "working" all the time to support us. I have recently told him and not totally kidding either that I want a divorce because I have had it and he told me he would never give me one. We also both still love each other. So basically my choices are to walk around mad all the time and me and the babies suffer (I suppose he would too but who cares lol) or let it go for now. And unfortunately, he will feel the pain in years to come when they only want me all the time. I have told him this and he laughs at me and gets angry. I do not want that for him or my babies but maybe it will be the thing to make him realize that he is missing out on the best thing life has to offer, his children. What else can I do??
posted by ilyse @ 6:09 PM
2 Comments:
I am sorry (but, also glad for you to be able to get this off your chest) that my comment stirred up a separate post. I wish I had an answer for you. I wish that D could understand that "providing" for your family goes well beyond the money he brings home.
My father believed that once he worked his day to bring home the bacon, that he could wash his hands of the rest of his responsibilities. This was something his mother taught him - and he still does to this day. I only remember him doing one thing - ONE thing - for me as a child, and that was bringing me to see Cinderella at the movies for my 7th birthday. He never did anything for us - my mother did it all, down to mowing the lawn while he sat on his ass "resting" from his hard work week. I really don't have a relationship with him now - even though my parents are still married (I think they would have been better off divorced - I don't see they love each other at all...they need each other to survive at this point). It hurts me now to see others have such a good relationship with their fathers - I felt like a sham walking down the isle 9 years ago on the arm of my father. I am closer to my FIL than my own flesh and blood.
Now, D DOES do more than my father ever did - so that is a plus for you. My father would never have watched us while my mother went out to run an errand. However, what you say about the kids someday only wanting you all of the time may very well resonate in your family if D doesn't step up a little more. And, it will be HIS loss, not yours if/when that happens.
There are ways to budget his time better so that he can work at night or during naps, and spend that extra time with you helping. I wish for you he figures that out, and fast.
You two DO love each other - and there is so much good in your relationship. I would hate to see that change because of him being stubborn or blind to what he is doing to you and the babies.
I will be thinking of you...and praying things change soon.
Tina, thanks so much for your support. Don't be sorry, it is ok, I hope you didn't think I was upset with you because that is not the case at all. I meant I was upset with him for all of this going on with us at the moment. I hope for his sake and the sake of the babies that he will realize what he needs to do before it is too late also. I can't force him though, I can only hope.
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