not doing well

I am a mess right now. Just a warning, this post is going to be all over the place because #1 I was never any good at writing and #2 I am just a mess and confused and my thoughts are all over the place.

I have been thinking alot about me and dh (and my mom too) and how things are with us. The past month or so, I have been extremely exhausted and not happy. I was thinking that maybe it was ppd but now I don't think it is. I think it is that I am overworked and overtired and need support and a break and some appreciation.

Lets start with my mom. I know you will never understand this because you don't know her, but people that do would 'get' this if they read it. I swear it is not just me. My mom really tries to be supportive and sometimes really does come through but many times it is conditional and causes more stress than the actual issue. My dad passed when I was 14 and they were separated. Since then, she has looked to me to make her my #1 and I refuse. Now I refuse even more so because my children are my #1 not just my dh. And she does not even see what she does but she competes with them for that slot and she is never going to win. I do not tolerate anything from her anymore because I can't. She wants the storybook mother-daughter relationship that will never happen because she does not act like a mother. It is more like an older sister or aunt, not a mother. Sometimes I try to vent to her about dh because I have no one else(I have some friends but I'm sure they don't want to hear it all the time, just like I'm sure you blog readers don't either, only thing is, it is my blog, I can write what I want and you just don't have to read it. LOL ) and she always has to go or can't listen. When I was pregnant and the babies were little she would stress me out so much. She lives in Florida (moved when I got pregnant, go figure) and comes in like once a month. And would always expect rides to and from the airport and a place to stay when we have a tiny house with no extra beds. I have been telling her since I got pregnant not to ask me for anything because we can't do it. My sister has been telling her to leave me alone, especially since the babies have been born. And she refuses to respect our wishes. It may sound a little harsh at this point but it is also the point of her just respecting what we ask just once. She is a very selfish person, puts on a dumb act to get people to do stuff for her and acts like the world owes her something. Anyway, not sure if this will but maybe it will just tell you a little about what my mom is like.

So like I mentioned, my mom is in Florida. My sister is in Indiana and is very removed from the rest of the family. She is wrapped up in her own life with her new husband and step-daughter. I am thrilled for them, don't get me wrong, I am just saying that I can't always lean on her. I do have other family here in NY but they are all 45+ minutes away and involved in their own immediate family. So no one to put me first there and it is not their responsibility to either.

Now on to dh, he is his #1, always has been and probably always will be. I don't know what I was thinking when I married him. He is a good person, I mean he doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or go out all the time with friends or whatever. But he is very selfish with his time, needs alot of time alone and is a passive aggressive. And does not make decisions and ignores things he does not know what to do about like it will go away meanwhile I am left to deal with it. He makes me carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am so tired, I just can't do it anymore. He will never admit it but he resents me being home with J&E. He has made some comments lately and in the past that you would not believe. Things like, well you wanted them so stop complaining and that is your job, so do it and stop complaining. Or he'll say, ok so I won't work and we'll both stay home and care for the babies. Or well sorry that is not my profession. Hello, I told him, you try being on call 23 hours and 45 minutes 5-7 days a week (the 15 minutes are for my showers during weeknights when he watches them sleep on the monitor. And when I am not at home during the weekend it is not like I am at the spa or going on shopping sprees, I am going food shopping, getting prescriptions filled or gas or things like that. And now our dryer is broken so two nights a week I am at the laundromat after marathon loads of laundry are done, drying clothes, sheets and towels. Then to have to come home 9 or 10pm and have to put it all away. It is just insane. And then on the weekend when I am home, I care for them and he goes back in his office to rot, I mean "work" in front of that damn box, I mean computer. He was a little better this past weekend, but still we never do anything as a family unless it is going to someone's house. He has never taken them out alone. He barely knows how the carseats work. Never once since they have been sleeping through the night have I been allowed to sleep in. It only happened one time after being up all night with Justin, he let me go back to bed after I already got up and got the morning bottles ready. So now, I don't ever let him sleep in either. Like I said, when he is home, he works too. He does freelance and "has" to practice/research in his field to keep up his skills but I say, so do it while they sleep and only while they sleep. He does not make enough money freelance to warrant the hours he spends in that room (his office) and I can't stand it. I have to talk to him through a door. Everything I say has to get repeated because I am not heard the first time. He thinks he is so easy going because he doesn't make choices (decisions), doesn't buy anything (so I have to do it so our debt is my fault), is very funny but thinks everything is a joke (impossible to have any sort of a conversation with), shall I go on? I call his name and I get yelled at what do I want. And then when I don't call, it is like why didn't you tell me. He wants me to pick his clothes out and iron them at night for his new job he just started. I refuse to pick them out, I told him I would iron them for a little while but that it is. Whenever I ask when is it my turn, when do I get taken care of? He reminds me of the end of my pregnancy before I was in the hospital. Woop de do, he did laundry for a month or so. He made me a few meals, cold cereal, English muffins with melted cheese. Big freakin deal. My heart is so broken and it just hurts so bad.

***This was started on Nov 30 and I attempting to finish it now****

I wanted it to be blocked from dh but I am so fed up, I really don't care if he sees it or not. Maybe it will give him a clue. I am a human being and need to be treated like one. I am not one to complain to the in-laws much. They are good people for the most part and I really like them. But this is their son and of course they will try to protect and defend their child. But yesterday was the last straw and I felt very alone and needed to talk to someone older and wiser and that knew dh. So I talked to mil and I was honest. (She was very kind and supportive btw)I knew he would not see what he is doing if she spoke to him and I told her that. And I told her that I am not nice to him anymore because I knew he would tell her that too. I just can't be not when I am treated so poorly. I do the things I do, like wake him up in the morning before I need to get up and iron his clothes at night, etc. to show him I love him. That is enough. When do I get shown? And I mean from him?? I will never put it upon my children for it to be their responsibility to make me feel loved and appreciated. Hopefully they just will but it is not their job, it is dhs.

Anyway I might as well post this now. I am sure you will get the jist of what I am feeling. Please keep me in your prayers that I make it to the new year without having a nervous breakdown. That and for strength to get through the day are what I pray for everyday.