what did I get myself into??

D is really being such a *&$#%^@ today!! And I am letting him know I'm mad. He will hang on me and be like but I love you. And I tell him that obviously he doesn't because my hands hurt so bad (carpal tunnel) and I am exhausted but do you think he could let me sleep in, this morning or ever?? NO!! Did he do baths with me? NO!! Did he play with them with me?? NO!! He did help feed them dinner, well some of dinner and all he did was criticize me. The rest of the time that these other things were going on when he was home today, he was "working" or shoving a camera in their face. I appreciate the millions of photos we have already but not at the expense of the bonding he should be doing with them during this precious time. He will come in and make them laugh when they are fussing and eating lunch, and say see I helped so you can finish feeding them. He has no clue how only providing financially is not enough and I am just too tired and exhausted to make him see. I am really feeling bad for bringing these children into a household that will not be good enough for them. They deserve the best and they will never have the 2 parents that they deserve.

I am also really down today. It is lonely take care of 2 babies by yourself 7 days a week. I do get the occasional visit from a friend, relative or D but basically it is just me and them (and the PT) everyday. I am trying to convince myself that the babies are my life and that only their health and happiness matters and nothing else. That I am here to raise them and I only matter in the capacity of their mother, nothing else. But so far it is not working.

I just can't feel close to him no matter how much I want to and it hurts me with the way he behaves. I can't have a simple conversation with him about the babies, house or whatever without it becoming a joke. Therefore I am forced to make most decisions alone or not at all. I just can't believe that this is what has become of our marriage.

I used to work with a woman whose husband was a real jerk. He wouldn't even take the kids on the weekend so that she could work a second job. While she was pregnant with #2 and in the hospital for a week for dehydration, he told her she was faking it. Well I always used to feel bad for her and here I am in almost the same situation. D is not that heartless but at least her husband did stuff around the house (refinishing the basement, oil changes on the cars, etc.) Like I said before D will "watch" them but it is never without an argument even on previously agreed times. As for housework, he mows the lawn and takes out the garbage and cleans the half bath once in a blue moon if I ask and that's it.

I am just so sad today.