feeling down

So what else is new coming from me. I guess I am just a horrible excuse for a human being and am always a downer. My holidays were very nice. The kids did great and and were so much fun, so that made it nice. But as far as everything else goes, things are still the same. D has gotten maybe a tad better with helping me clean up at night and is maybe a little nice to me, but everything else is exactly the same. I still have to do everything or it doesn't get done, including continuing to baby proof our house. Nice right? There are some things that I just can't do and he fights me on everything how we can't afford it. Well too bad, I am not putting my children's safety at risk. His inactivity is a choice to ignore things as he has always done and hope that it goes away. Well it isn't and I can't do it alone anymore. Every room in the house is a cluttered mess. I barely have time to change the babies sheets and put their clothes away and keep the downstairs (where we hang when we are home) neat, like I can unclutter any of that. I don't sleep at all because either the babies are up at night sometimes and/or my hands and wrists are killing me so bad. They are so numb and hurt at the same time. I'm so tired but no matter what I do, I can't sleep. I am lonely, my heart hurts so bad. I tell him this but I guess it doesn't matter. I need fun, I need to be loved and cherished. And made to feel special. Yesterday I went to see my cousin's new baby in the city. It was his bris. I was sad because I went without D and the kids, I should have had mil come watch them but then I would have had to hear D complain about how we can't afford to go and give a gift. While it is true (and I am in the process of getting a part time job) I am sick of hearing that ABOUT EVERYTHING! So anyway, I went alone. I had no immediate family there, no one to care how I got there or home. I mean my cousins and aunt were nice and asked but still my husband, mom and sister were not there (mom and sister live out of NY). No one said oh, we're going to do this or stay for a while, I just came and went when I was ready. Then when I was on the way home anyway, D calls and tells me they are not eating or sleeping to hurry up and come home. I am always told to hurry up. I can never go anywhere and just relax and enjoy. Tonight is New Years Eve. Let's see if D actually hangs out with me before I need to get to bed. I know I have said it a million times, I am just so tired of figuring everything out and having to do everything to make stuff happen. When is my down time? I know this is suppose to be a new year and it is a good and exciting thing but why do I feel like this all the time? Is it me? Am I nuts? Am I expecting D to be the impossible? Is he really doing ok and I am just miss bitch? I hate questioning everything. (I don't think so because I seem to be ok when we are with other people but then again I am not sure about anything.)I hate feeling this way. I feel like such a loser.

Forgot to say- Yeah so now I have to get a part time job a few nights a week if possible and weekends. Like I will be able to handle this all. NOT! I have no idea how this is going to work without me dropping dead. Oh and this is stupid but I posted about something that bothered me which a few other people agreed with me on. Well I checked out the thread this morning and now I am getting bashed, since I wrote that it was the most disturbing thing and that it isn't and could have been worse. So it is stupid, but just another thing that makes me feel rejected.