life is difficult (wow 2nd post for the day)

Let me start off by saying, I love my babies more than anything and I would do anything in the world for them. And I am sorry if the following post sounds like I am complaining but I need to get this off my chest somewhere and well, this is an online journal, just people read it other than me. I am starting this on Sunday, April 22, let's see when I get to finish it.

Things are just so tough. During the week I get 3 hours a night to myself and then when I take over D does an hour or two of freelance work before going to bed. So neither of us get much sleep. During my "break" I eat dinner, make bottles, and various other things depending on what is needed (fold laundry, run to the store, help D if babies are fussy, etc). Sometimes, if time allows, I get a nap. I am going on day 3 with no nap. On the weekend I get more time (unless we are going somewhere or having company), but than again, more stuff to do (food shopping, pay bills, etc.) D gets home around 7ish and eats dinner and then takes over to give me my 3 hours. He needs to work obviously, and he needs to do this freelance work to make ends meet. So it is a vicious cycle. The babies sleep anywhere from 4-5 hours to longer during the night and they are not on any particular nap schedule yet and eat every 3 hours during the day. I can usually get a chunk of sleep at night, but still, I have my glasses on. So it is like one eye is opened and one foot is on the floor. Right now, due to their congestion, they are sleeping in their bouncy seats (it helps for them to be upright). So due to that and the fact that we are not ready to just use the monitor overnight yet, I stay with the babies overnight. While I know D is at work all day and does not get enough sleep, he gets uninterrupted sleep in the bed every night. And he doesn't get it at all. We fight all the time because we are both exhausted. Yesterday I actually left the house because I felt that it was better for the babies to not have us fighting. And he gets to shower and shave and well not put on make up but makes himself presentable and deals with adults all day. I spend most days a mess and feeling gross until my shower at night and I am alone alot of the time with the babies until he comes home. I will probably be alone less now that the weather is getting nicer and RSV season is almost over, so we can be out and about. I am currently collecting unemployment, it will end in August. I am so worried about what we will do after that. I told him that I have no problem with getting a part time job as long as he will watch the babies when I need to go to work. The problem again, no time. We have no one to help us more than they already are, which is not much. I am so scared and worried about being able to mentally and financially care for my babies. I am ok most of the times, but sometimes when things are not going well (spitting up, not eating, etc.) I get so insecure and feel like a horrible mother. And I feel like he does nothing to help that. When I finally break down, D tells me, I need to be strong for the babies and if they see me cry or a frown on their face it is not good for them. I am trying to get back to dieting but given everything I just said, it is so hard. D has lost alot of weight (weighs less than me now) and looks great. And when he goes way overboard and complains about that he is eating too much (nothing compared to the damamge I do) or how fat he looks, it makes me feel so awful. I was sick right after Easter for over a week. I had to beg him to stay home from work so I could go to the doctor. While I do not think I have post partum depression, I do think that I am not as I should be. Life is just so hard sometimes and I have a really tough time dealing with it. I feel unappreciated and taken forgranted by D. I have told him that and he doesn't care. I guess it really doesn't matter, as long as the babies are taken care of. Today is our 6 year anniversary, it is a miracle that he got me a card. We are going out to dinner tomorrow, I guess we will see how that goes. I just feel so crappy. I don't really expect comments on this, like I said, I just needed to write this. Wow it is still April 22 and I guess I am done. (I know there are not paragraphs and such, oh well.) And 30 minutes left until I am back "on duty" to get a nap.

stuff happening with the babies

I know it has been forever since there has been an update here. So much has happened, let's see if I can remember it all. Here goes.

They went to the ENT, they both have deviated septums and Laryngomalacia. The deviated septums are what is causing the severe congestion, it is something that should correct itself by the time they are 18 months. Here is a link about Laryngomalacia

http://www.emedicine.com/ped/topic1280.htm

That is what is causing their noisy "hyper" breathing, it is something else that will correct itself by 18 months. None of this is anything to be alarmed about, it is all just very annoying.

They have been to a GI specialist because their feedings/reflux had gotten worse. They are both now on Prevacid along withe the Zantac. Also, finally I got the doctor to approve a formula change. Since it is expensive formula, the insurance is going to pay for it, we just will have a copay. And we have changed the type of cereal we are putting in the bottles. The formula change and cereal change have all been within the last week and a half (one at a time, don't worry) and so far, so good. Thank goodness. I hope this will do the trick. They still have some spitting up and it can be tricky to get them to eat at times, but alot of the fussiness they were having is gone. And they are still gaining weight. So that is all good news.

Let's see what else.

They babies celebrated their first Passover and Easter. They did great with being around alot of people. And it was so nice to be able to be around our families and to be able to show them off!

They both have torticollis and we have been shown things to do with them to correct it from the chiropractor (they are going once a month) and Ellie's Early Intervention physical therapist (also once a month) but since it is not getting better, we will be taking the babies for physical therapy. Hopefully that will do the trick.

Oh the most exciting things, yesterday, Ellie held her rattle in her hands and Justin held his bottle in his mouth. And Justin has discovered his feet, he will lift them and stare at them. Both babies are babbling, smiling and laughing. It is so great to see and hear them do all this. They have come such a long way, it is truly a miracle.