still feel crappy

Only this time literally as well as emotionally. I have a cold. So I did not get to go see my babies today and I was not happy about it. I will go tomorrow because I need to drop off my milk (I have been told that it is ok to pump while I have a cold) but I will ask for a mask when near my babies and I won't stay long. I just miss them so much. I hate this.

I hate having to rely on other people (the nurses) to take care of them and to have to ask to hold them or to do anything else with them. I want things to be normal and just to be able to take them home and live our lives.

I feel like it is my fault that they were born so early and in the NICU in the first place. Like I said before, we forced my body to do something it couldn't handle. And now I am having a tough time getting a good milk supply with pumping and now because I got run down from not getting enough sleep (due to pumping at night/early morning) I got sick. I really just feel like I can't do anything right. I know, I know, I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it.

feel crappy

We have been going to the hospital each day and it is getting so hard. I hate seeing them there hooked up to tubes and monitors and I hate leaving them there. Don't get me wrong, for their age and size they are doing great. They have finally started to put on weight and neither is on IV anymore, they are being fed through a tube only. And only Justin is still on a very little bit of oxygen and will probably come off soon. The two big issues are her enlarged ventricles and fluid on her brain and his bradycardia episodes. Thank god her issues are not as bad as they originally thought and there is no pressure being put on her brain, which is such good news. And as for his issue, it is when the babies are preemies and they forget to breath and their heartrate goes down. It is a regular thing seen in the NICU but it is just scary for the parents who are not used to this.

Anyway, I am not anywhere near having PPD (post partum depression) at least I don't think so (don't worry if I start to feel worse, I will get help), although I can tell that D is worried about it and the few times I have cried since I have been home he has been really concerned. Like I said earlier I just hate leaving them. And I feel like a failure that I could not carry them to term, that my body is just so messed up and we forced it to do something it couldn't handle. And I am not thrilled with my body, I know it is still early to feel that way and that the babies are not even 2 weeks old, I am just feeling very fat and disgusting. And I am pumping and while I am getting milk, it is not the amount it should be at this point. So again I feel broken. When going through infertility, you feel like your body doesn't work properly and think that when you finally get pregnant, it won't feel like that anymore. Well I still do. I know we are so lucky and blessed to have our two little miracles, and I shouldn't complain but just the way I feel about myself is not great at the moment, and I just want things to be normal. I want to bring my babies home like a normal person. I am not dwelling on this all the time but when I stop and think about things, I feel like this. So I try not to let that happen too much.

Anyway, here are some pics from yesterday.


Eleni 11 days old



Justin 11 days old

Baby pics

Here is a link to the photos of the babies, I will try to post an update soon.

Baby pics

The babies are here!!

The babies were born via c-section at 30 weeks gestation on Tuesday, November 7, 2006:

Justin Constantine was born at 8:21pm is 14 in. long and weighs 2 lbs. 9 oz.

Eleni (nickname is Ellie) Grace was born at 8:22pm is 15 1/2 in. long and weighs 2 lbs. 13 oz.

After being in the hospital for 8 days, around 2:30pm, I was told that baby A's (Justin) heart rate went down for less than a minute twice in an hours time. So they were calling my doctor to have him and the specialist decide if I should have our babies that day. And we were told that it was not an urgent emergency and if it had been, the babies would have been taken out already but that if they were going to decide to do it, it would need to be done soon and they did not want to wait until the middle of the night because they needed alot of people in the delivery room since they were premie twins. So around 6 we were told that I would definitely be having a c-section at 6:30 (which turned into 8pm). And when the ob finally came, he said that he had spent some time on the phone with the specialist and they had to map out exactly how they would cut me open without accidentally cutting the vein or the sac. If he had done that, it would be very dangerous and life threatening for Justin. I was very upset and very scared but I made it through and got to hear them tell me it was a boy and a girl. And D got to be in there with me and hear it too and see them.

Eleni will be having a sonogram this Friday to see the change if any on the brain fluid. And then if needed possibly a cat-scan. Then hopefully they can talk to us about options and treatment.

They are having a rough start in life since they were born 10 weeks early but they are doing so well. We could not be prouder of them. Everyday they are making more progress and new things are happening. So far we have been able to hold them both and I have been able to change their diapers and assist in his feedings (they are tube fed now in addition to IV). It is all just very exciting. :)

Here is the first photo of Justin Constantine (left) and Eleni Grace (right) together minutes after being born.