feeling down

So what else is new coming from me. I guess I am just a horrible excuse for a human being and am always a downer. My holidays were very nice. The kids did great and and were so much fun, so that made it nice. But as far as everything else goes, things are still the same. D has gotten maybe a tad better with helping me clean up at night and is maybe a little nice to me, but everything else is exactly the same. I still have to do everything or it doesn't get done, including continuing to baby proof our house. Nice right? There are some things that I just can't do and he fights me on everything how we can't afford it. Well too bad, I am not putting my children's safety at risk. His inactivity is a choice to ignore things as he has always done and hope that it goes away. Well it isn't and I can't do it alone anymore. Every room in the house is a cluttered mess. I barely have time to change the babies sheets and put their clothes away and keep the downstairs (where we hang when we are home) neat, like I can unclutter any of that. I don't sleep at all because either the babies are up at night sometimes and/or my hands and wrists are killing me so bad. They are so numb and hurt at the same time. I'm so tired but no matter what I do, I can't sleep. I am lonely, my heart hurts so bad. I tell him this but I guess it doesn't matter. I need fun, I need to be loved and cherished. And made to feel special. Yesterday I went to see my cousin's new baby in the city. It was his bris. I was sad because I went without D and the kids, I should have had mil come watch them but then I would have had to hear D complain about how we can't afford to go and give a gift. While it is true (and I am in the process of getting a part time job) I am sick of hearing that ABOUT EVERYTHING! So anyway, I went alone. I had no immediate family there, no one to care how I got there or home. I mean my cousins and aunt were nice and asked but still my husband, mom and sister were not there (mom and sister live out of NY). No one said oh, we're going to do this or stay for a while, I just came and went when I was ready. Then when I was on the way home anyway, D calls and tells me they are not eating or sleeping to hurry up and come home. I am always told to hurry up. I can never go anywhere and just relax and enjoy. Tonight is New Years Eve. Let's see if D actually hangs out with me before I need to get to bed. I know I have said it a million times, I am just so tired of figuring everything out and having to do everything to make stuff happen. When is my down time? I know this is suppose to be a new year and it is a good and exciting thing but why do I feel like this all the time? Is it me? Am I nuts? Am I expecting D to be the impossible? Is he really doing ok and I am just miss bitch? I hate questioning everything. (I don't think so because I seem to be ok when we are with other people but then again I am not sure about anything.)I hate feeling this way. I feel like such a loser.

Forgot to say- Yeah so now I have to get a part time job a few nights a week if possible and weekends. Like I will be able to handle this all. NOT! I have no idea how this is going to work without me dropping dead. Oh and this is stupid but I posted about something that bothered me which a few other people agreed with me on. Well I checked out the thread this morning and now I am getting bashed, since I wrote that it was the most disturbing thing and that it isn't and could have been worse. So it is stupid, but just another thing that makes me feel rejected.

why

Why is everything I do wrong? No matter what I do, he has a problem with it. Mostly it is about money. Yes, I know we don't have alot of it but it is called living and taking care of twins. And getting ready for the holiday season. We are not even buying for the adults, they are getting lotto tickets. And I did a $15 limit for each kid. And we have a few birthdays, all on his side, this time of year. I went out shopping last night, got some stuff for the house, CLOTHES FOR HIM, a few things for the kids(diapers, pjs, etc) and me (I had a gift card for my stuff), and some gifts. And I got told today that I spend too much money.(I did spend alot last night BUT I got alot for my money since there were great sales and I hadn't shopped like that in a long time so we really needed alot) Well how will things happen if I just wait for him to sit there and ignore everything that has to get done. If I did that, the kids would be in high school trying to fit into their size 18 month clothes they are getting now. Also keep in mind, we have minimal decorations up, because #1 it is all I had time to, #2 I'M JEWISH and my menorah is up and #3 he didn't do them, never did, never does. I usually do it for him, well this year it is for the babies. Nothing ever got said about any of it. Just like Hanukkah came and went with nothing said by him. And while I don't get criticized for thing involving the twins, I don't get reassured either. I just needs some reassurance and approval for what I do, just so I can know that I am doing ok and to keep doing what I am doing. Like I said in my last post, it is not like I had the greatest role model to know how to be a wife and a mother and in my mom's defense during my impressionable years(ages 14-16), my mom went through the hardest time of her life, my dad died and then she watched her mom deteriorate to finally die of cancer two years later. So it's not like she was in a great position to raise two teenage daughters. I think especially with all of that happening and that I have no clue what I am doing most of the time, I do ok, I could be alot worse. Anyway, I guess knowing that the kids are growing, and happy and loved will have to be my reassurance. I am so sorry to be so negative all the time. It is just really hard to be happy living in a house with a husband like mine, like I do. I am happy when I am with my babies (but I am not blogging then). When I am alone and doing things or trying to relax for a minute here or there, is when I am sad and lonely. I want a family, I need some fun. I have the babies that are definitely lots of fun, I think I can be fun, why doesn't he see that? Why is everything a problem and a big deal? Why is he such a grouch? Is it my fault? Did I make him that way?

update

Things are a little better I guess. Mil talked to him, he doesn't know I know but he was on the phone with her right in front of me (it was a quick convo and he did not say much) but she confirmed it later. I can tell a little that he is trying to be nicer but still things are tough. We now have a dryer (the electrical problem is fixed) so no more laundromat thank god. We'll see how this weekend goes I guess. That is when most of the problems happen. Last night he was being a little bit of a jerk, so hopefully that won't continue tonight. I never got a happy Hanukkah or card or gift or anything. I already told him when I got nothing for my birthday other than ecards from him and the twins in November, that since he claims he wouldn't care if I didn't do anything for him for his bday, Christmas, etc. that he cold prove that to me because he was not getting anything for Christmas. He is not even getting a Merry Christmas. And if I get a card or gift, I will tell him that he will get his 2 weeks later since MY holiday will have been over for two weeks already at that point. I need a new winter coat and some clothes, I am trying to put off buying it (unless I do and don't tell him yet) because I don't want him to turn around and say that is my gift. I know it all sounds selfish, (when this issue comes up, he makes it out like that) but I am really not a selfish person. I just want to be appreciated, loved and taken care of a little. Is that too much to ask??

not doing well

I am a mess right now. Just a warning, this post is going to be all over the place because #1 I was never any good at writing and #2 I am just a mess and confused and my thoughts are all over the place.

I have been thinking alot about me and dh (and my mom too) and how things are with us. The past month or so, I have been extremely exhausted and not happy. I was thinking that maybe it was ppd but now I don't think it is. I think it is that I am overworked and overtired and need support and a break and some appreciation.

Lets start with my mom. I know you will never understand this because you don't know her, but people that do would 'get' this if they read it. I swear it is not just me. My mom really tries to be supportive and sometimes really does come through but many times it is conditional and causes more stress than the actual issue. My dad passed when I was 14 and they were separated. Since then, she has looked to me to make her my #1 and I refuse. Now I refuse even more so because my children are my #1 not just my dh. And she does not even see what she does but she competes with them for that slot and she is never going to win. I do not tolerate anything from her anymore because I can't. She wants the storybook mother-daughter relationship that will never happen because she does not act like a mother. It is more like an older sister or aunt, not a mother. Sometimes I try to vent to her about dh because I have no one else(I have some friends but I'm sure they don't want to hear it all the time, just like I'm sure you blog readers don't either, only thing is, it is my blog, I can write what I want and you just don't have to read it. LOL ) and she always has to go or can't listen. When I was pregnant and the babies were little she would stress me out so much. She lives in Florida (moved when I got pregnant, go figure) and comes in like once a month. And would always expect rides to and from the airport and a place to stay when we have a tiny house with no extra beds. I have been telling her since I got pregnant not to ask me for anything because we can't do it. My sister has been telling her to leave me alone, especially since the babies have been born. And she refuses to respect our wishes. It may sound a little harsh at this point but it is also the point of her just respecting what we ask just once. She is a very selfish person, puts on a dumb act to get people to do stuff for her and acts like the world owes her something. Anyway, not sure if this will but maybe it will just tell you a little about what my mom is like.

So like I mentioned, my mom is in Florida. My sister is in Indiana and is very removed from the rest of the family. She is wrapped up in her own life with her new husband and step-daughter. I am thrilled for them, don't get me wrong, I am just saying that I can't always lean on her. I do have other family here in NY but they are all 45+ minutes away and involved in their own immediate family. So no one to put me first there and it is not their responsibility to either.

Now on to dh, he is his #1, always has been and probably always will be. I don't know what I was thinking when I married him. He is a good person, I mean he doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or go out all the time with friends or whatever. But he is very selfish with his time, needs alot of time alone and is a passive aggressive. And does not make decisions and ignores things he does not know what to do about like it will go away meanwhile I am left to deal with it. He makes me carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am so tired, I just can't do it anymore. He will never admit it but he resents me being home with J&E. He has made some comments lately and in the past that you would not believe. Things like, well you wanted them so stop complaining and that is your job, so do it and stop complaining. Or he'll say, ok so I won't work and we'll both stay home and care for the babies. Or well sorry that is not my profession. Hello, I told him, you try being on call 23 hours and 45 minutes 5-7 days a week (the 15 minutes are for my showers during weeknights when he watches them sleep on the monitor. And when I am not at home during the weekend it is not like I am at the spa or going on shopping sprees, I am going food shopping, getting prescriptions filled or gas or things like that. And now our dryer is broken so two nights a week I am at the laundromat after marathon loads of laundry are done, drying clothes, sheets and towels. Then to have to come home 9 or 10pm and have to put it all away. It is just insane. And then on the weekend when I am home, I care for them and he goes back in his office to rot, I mean "work" in front of that damn box, I mean computer. He was a little better this past weekend, but still we never do anything as a family unless it is going to someone's house. He has never taken them out alone. He barely knows how the carseats work. Never once since they have been sleeping through the night have I been allowed to sleep in. It only happened one time after being up all night with Justin, he let me go back to bed after I already got up and got the morning bottles ready. So now, I don't ever let him sleep in either. Like I said, when he is home, he works too. He does freelance and "has" to practice/research in his field to keep up his skills but I say, so do it while they sleep and only while they sleep. He does not make enough money freelance to warrant the hours he spends in that room (his office) and I can't stand it. I have to talk to him through a door. Everything I say has to get repeated because I am not heard the first time. He thinks he is so easy going because he doesn't make choices (decisions), doesn't buy anything (so I have to do it so our debt is my fault), is very funny but thinks everything is a joke (impossible to have any sort of a conversation with), shall I go on? I call his name and I get yelled at what do I want. And then when I don't call, it is like why didn't you tell me. He wants me to pick his clothes out and iron them at night for his new job he just started. I refuse to pick them out, I told him I would iron them for a little while but that it is. Whenever I ask when is it my turn, when do I get taken care of? He reminds me of the end of my pregnancy before I was in the hospital. Woop de do, he did laundry for a month or so. He made me a few meals, cold cereal, English muffins with melted cheese. Big freakin deal. My heart is so broken and it just hurts so bad.

***This was started on Nov 30 and I attempting to finish it now****

I wanted it to be blocked from dh but I am so fed up, I really don't care if he sees it or not. Maybe it will give him a clue. I am a human being and need to be treated like one. I am not one to complain to the in-laws much. They are good people for the most part and I really like them. But this is their son and of course they will try to protect and defend their child. But yesterday was the last straw and I felt very alone and needed to talk to someone older and wiser and that knew dh. So I talked to mil and I was honest. (She was very kind and supportive btw)I knew he would not see what he is doing if she spoke to him and I told her that. And I told her that I am not nice to him anymore because I knew he would tell her that too. I just can't be not when I am treated so poorly. I do the things I do, like wake him up in the morning before I need to get up and iron his clothes at night, etc. to show him I love him. That is enough. When do I get shown? And I mean from him?? I will never put it upon my children for it to be their responsibility to make me feel loved and appreciated. Hopefully they just will but it is not their job, it is dhs.

Anyway I might as well post this now. I am sure you will get the jist of what I am feeling. Please keep me in your prayers that I make it to the new year without having a nervous breakdown. That and for strength to get through the day are what I pray for everyday.