how and why???
How can people be so ignorant? And why are they so insensitive??? I know that most people that are reading this are going through or have gone through infertility. I just ask the ones who have been successful or that deal with people in other situations where you have been successful but that they have not (like being married or owning a house or whatever it is) to please remember all what we have been through and be kind and sensitive when dealing with the unsuccessful ones. I know that I always try to be. And believe me, if there ever was going to be a time where I would forget, now I will think of what I am about to tell you and I know I will never forget.
Just to give a little history for a moment, I have a good friend that I have known for 15 years now. We were sorority sisters in college and have kept in touch all these year. We socialize with her and her hubby (first with #1 and now with #2) usually around once every month or every other month or so. So she is married to hubby #2 and between them they have 3 kids. Her mom stayed with her kids during the week while she and hubby worked since the moment they were born and then when she remarried, she cared for his daughter too, when needed. Now her mom has cancer and is going through treatments. She had to quit her job to care for the children and help in the caring for her mom too. Don't get me wrong I do feel terrible for her, I don't know what I'd do if it were my mom with cancer. And I know things are tight moneywise for them but they will be ok, her husband does pretty well.
Anyway, she knows everything we have been through. And all this time, when I have blown off most of my other friends with kids, she is the one person that I let slip through the cracks and sucked it up. I have ignored it when she has told me that "she can't relate but she understands" and talks about her kids 24/7 to me. We still socialize with them even when I am not up for going over there, ordering in food and having the kids be all around us (sometimes while she even goes through the mail and looks at the catalogs for all the kids things and show me the cute stuff) because she can't take a hint when I don't return phone calls or emails. I look at it as that I am doing my good deed. When we joined our sorority alumni chapter, I looked the other way when she asked D to go over and babysit with her hubby while we went to a meeting (and D said he didn't mind) and when she called me a week before Christmas to babysit so they could go shopping for the kids since they forgot to plan time when the kids were with their other parent (I didn't do it btw) and we didn't have kids so of course we could do it. She is the one person I must say who has a way (even though, yes I know she doesn't mean it) who makes me feel inferior because I am not a mom (she did the same thing when she was married and I wasn't). I kept my mouth shut when she told me about another friend of hers that I know that is expecting #3 (and is the same age as me and her) long after I thought they were done having kids (it was planned) and she told me that her friend said to her "I'm too old for this shit" about her pregnancy aches and pains. Even D, who doesn't get why I am hurt by alot of this, understood that one. Well last night was the final straw and I don't know what to do. D and I got in a huge blow out. We went through a really good phase of not fighting for like a month and the past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it is because I am hormonal from the birth control pills or because he is really cranky from working 14 hour days for the past 10 weeks or what. But anyway, last night we got in the biggest fight we have had in a really long time(we are ok now, btw) So I came upstairs to get away from him and checked my email before I was going to go to bed. Boy that was a mistake.
She had emailed about getting together. And after I had ignored her phone call and waited a week to email back, I told her that I was going to go to the sorority meeting in the beginning of April but that that would be it for my socializing for a while since we are going to be going through IVF and I am just not up to it right now. Well when I saw this email back from her and D and I were in that huge fight, I told him that he had a buddy and that he didn't need to fight me anymore, that she had hurt me so bad that it covered it for him too. Here is the second half of the email back(1st part was ok):
That's ok I totally understand!! (Husband's name) and I miss you guys but we can wait till May to hang out. I'll give you a buzz during the week to let you know whether or not I'll be able to go Saturday I still have to broach the subject with (husband's name) and even though I could get the girl around the corner to sit with them but (husband's name) will still have to get (daughter's name) from dance for me. But if I do go we can drive together and have some girl time lord knows I need it. The perils of being a stay at home Mom you miss having adult conversations.
Anyway I'll talk to you during the week.
(friend's name) : )
The ultimate fantasy for me would be to be a stay at home mom. Why didn't she just reach through the computer and rip my heart out? That would have hurt less. I mean I guess it is not the worst thing in the world but with the timing that I read it (which I know that she couldn't have known) and just all the things she has done and said since we told her all built up, I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. Oh and when she called me last year to go shopping for mothers day gifts, I told her that I couldn't handle it and I have told her that I can't/ don't want hear about certain things but I stopped saying it because obviously it went in one ear and out the other. How do I tell her that she is an insensitive bitch in a nice way? Ok fine, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me or do it on purpose but come on, how can she not realize with some of the things she has done/said? I mean it is like me complaining to a bald woman about how much hair I have (I do have alot of hair). Who would do that? I want to take a break from her friendship, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Everytime something would happen with her, I would take a deep breath and hope and pray that it would be the last time I feel like this because I will be pregnant soon. So far that hasn't happened. I don't even want to go to this sorority meeting because I don't want to be in the car with her. Lucky for me, she is flaky and probably won't even go.
Anyway, I am now almost in tears again because I had to read through that email a few more times while writing and editing this legnthy post. That's it for my rant and rave for today.
posted by ilyse @ 6:08 PM
4 Comments:
I am so sorry. I know that people who have not experienced infertility cannot fully comprehend the hurt and pain we go through from day to day, but there really is no excuse for how your friend has treated you when she knows what a difficult time you are going through. I think that you really need to put yourself first in this situation. I understand that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but she hasn't exactly taken yours into consideration, even giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's completely oblivious to how much her words and actions affect you. If this friendship is just too painful right now, it is better for you and for her as well to just take a break. It may help preserve your friendship in the long run. You may want to try writing a letter to her about how you feel. Don't mail it right away. Wait a couple of days. If you still feel the same feelings that you expressed in the letter, or you want to change it a little but still want to send it, then maybe that is the best way to express to her that your friendship needs a break.
Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
When people aren't in your situation, they can't truly understand what it is like. Even saying something like "Its too much for me to handle right now" or whatever will not work. You need to lay it out for her. Everyone has different levels of what is ok and is not ok and unless you spell it all out for her, you are going to get what she thinks is appropriate (which is obviously not on the same wave length as you). Simply explain to her just what you explained in your blog. You don't necessarily have to be mean per say... but just say look sometimes you are talking about your kids so much that you forget that I only could wish I had it that rough, etc. Explain in full detail like you did here, and if she continues and you are not comfortable then I guess you'd have to steer clear of her (even send her emails to the junk mail folder LOL).
Frankly, I think ALL situations are like this. My friend who isn't married and is going on 30 has a hard time if I complain about my husband (but that's hard to refrain from! LOL). And people that complain about a crying baby, the pain of labor or their child getting a simple shot at the dr can sometimes hurt me (due to the circumstances involving Mary Elizabeth). And me even pointing that out could upset someone with infertility because they'd say to me special needs and all you still have a child. We could go on forever like that, people hurting people.
The only thing you can do is be open and honest with your friend and explain completely your emotions and feelings. However if you aren't comfortable with feeling that vulnerable the only other route is escape and ignore.
People just don't get it, and it's so frustrating. I don't know if it's just self-absorption, or being uncomfortable, or what, but it's hard when you have a friend that just doesn't understand, no matter how much they "say" they do. When people say that they "understand" I always say "You don't, and that's okay". There's a difference between "understanding" (which is only someone, like us, who've gone through all this crap) and "empathy", which I think that most people get confused with.
It's important to be honest with this person, to let her know, bluntly, that what she's doing is upsetting to you, she needs to think before she speaks, and that you don't want to have a friendship built on bad feelings and bitterness. If she can't accept how you feel-because, really, she doesn't need to "understand" what you're going through, as she can't really relate to it-then, quite honestly, she really isn't that good of a friend (sorority sister or not). At this time in your life, you need positive, supportive people around you, and you don't need her behavior making a toxic enviromnent for you emotionally.
Personally, I think that she's acted like an ass, and that she should know. Don't spare her feelings (especially since she so obviously hasn't spared yours)at all if you decide to tell her. It will make you feel better because you're laying it all out on the table for her.
Or, I can come out to Lawng Island and kick her sorry ass. Whichever you like.
:)
it's got to be so hard for you, Ilyse!
I'm so sorry.
Being a *new* member of the mommie club now, after our 3 years of trying to be parents, I CAN say this - having kids is ALL consuming, and it can totally fry your brain sometimes - so all of the nicities I try to remember usually go out the window. But I DO know that specifically when Stef and Sean were here, I tried to be as sensitive as I could.
I sadly think, that the fertiles just don't get it.
We have a few choices with those folks in our lives - let it go and continue being their friend, or end the connection, because it's too painful. i try to maintain my friendships, but it's really hard sometimes. REALLY hard.
Thinking of you, and sending you love dear one.
xox,
S
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