tears

I never thought I'd have so many tears once a baby came after ttc for so long. But right now, I am dealing with my babies not drinking enough fluids, they just won't, and them having a hard time going #2. They go but it is difficult for them and when they do it is very hard. And as we speak they are not napping even though they are in their cribs and completely exhausted. I am having a panic attack. I don't know what to do and I feel like I can't breathe. Dh makes no decisions and leaves it all up to me. I just can't do it all all the time. I am trying my best with these situations but still I feel like it is not good enough. I am not taking care of my babies well enough. Ds had a little bit of a nap but none so far for dd and I have the EI people coming later today so I was trying to plan it around their afternoon nap and they need a bath today too. There is just so much and I guess I am just not cut out for this because I feel this way alot lately. I love them so much but they deserve so much better than me. They deserve a stable mother who is not a basket case that can be sure they get everything they need and I am not that. I just don't know what to do anymore, when does it get easier??????

ugh.........

I have posted this a million times on FF and Twinstuff so I figured, I might as well post it here since it doesn't matter here if people are sick of hearing it, it is my blog. D is being a complete jerk (to put it nicely) and I really can't take it anymore. I am just so mad I can't even go into it. All I can say is that everything I have said before is a million times worse. I know I don't bring in an income, but come on, this is not fair. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need a break, support, a husband, a father for my children, shall I go on?? I hate this!!!!!

starting WW again

I am finally going to try to lose this baby weight that I still have on me and then some. A few events happened lately that really been a big wake up call. 1) My sister and her fiancee came to town for her bridal shower and they were big to begin with but they both put on so much more weight, it was shocking. It is really scary and I worry about them. My father, who was not overweight but smoke and drank, died at 40 of a heartattack. And my sister is 40. So this is not a road that I want to follow and I know that if I don't do something soon, it will be. 2) We got a new early intervention physical therapist and she is very overweight. She does a good job with them but another view of how I do not want to be. 3)A guy I know, my age, 36, who was a little chunky but nothing horrible, had a heart attack this summer. It was from stress and eating badly. Thank god he is ok and has no heart damage. All of these reasons are a big wake up call to me. Not only for myself but now I have the little munchkins to think about. I hope that I can be successful at this and maintain it this time.