remembering my dad

Tomorrow will be 22 years since he has passed away. Wow, that is a really long time. February 1, 1986 was the day the world changed for me and my family. Every year this day is hard for me but I think it is even harder for me now because I am a mom. Last year things were still too new with the kids and we were not getting enough sleep for me to really dwell on it. Now that things are calmer and I can give the day my usual thoughts and recognition, it is a really hard day for me. I hope that my dad is proud of me and the decisions and choices I have made in my life. I hope that he approves of my husband (even though things are not so great with us right now) and I hope that he can see his grandchildren. Yes, I know I am Jewish and to be honest I am not even sure what I believe or am suppose to believe about what happens when someone dies. But I do believe that my dad is watching over me and guiding me (along with God, yes I do believe in God). So many times in my life there have been many close calls, but he has never let the worst case scenario happen. Weather or not it was really him, I may never know, but I believe it was. When I graduated college and there was no money for me to get a car so I could get to work everyday and then it worked out unexpectedly, he made it happen. When dh and I were deciding weather or not we wanted to continue our relationship and eventually get engaged and married (we could not come to an agreement regarding religion), and broke up for a while, he guided me through that. He's got my lost unborn child with him and together they made sure my children got every possible chance at life and pulled through a very difficult pregnancy and premature birth. These are just a few examples, but I know there have been other instances too. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if he were still here. Would I have traveled down the same path in life? I don't remember alot about my dad, but I do remember that he was a good person and always made sure my sister and I knew he loved us. I watch the babies sleeping on the monitor now and wish they would have had the chance to know their grandfather that Justin is named after. I miss you daddy.

11 years with D

Today is 11 years since our first official date. We had a group date on New Years Eve but I didn't know it was a date, he asked me to hang out with a group of friends. I found out after the date when my friends were asking me how it went, that it was indeed a date. So then we had our first official date on 1/9/97. If you would have told me 11 years ago that this is where would be today I never would have believed it in a million years. Ironically you all know about our issues and this date would have also been my parents wedding anniversary (I think 42 years or something like that) if they had not been separated on their way to divorce when he passed away 21 years ago. So I guess let's see if we make it to 12 years. I have to say, the best thing to ever happen to me, my two little miracles came out of that 11 years, so even the worst of times during those years was well worth it to get my babies. And I would do it again in a minute.

thinking about joining the other team

I just want to start off by saying that I do not mean to offend anyone and that obviously I can't do this because it doesn't work that way, you can't just decide to be on one side or the other, you just are or you're not. From what I am experiencing and hear about from my friends, most men seem to be really useless these days. They seem to be good for one thing, which in my case I already got but that can be purchased without needed the actual man. It seems the only way to get emotional support and love is from someone who can understand your needs the best, another woman. Like I said, I know I could never just say ok, I'm switching sides, it doesn't work that way. And well, the obvious, I'm attracted to guys. I just feel more and more alone each day. (He even made a comment yesterday asking what single moms do about something I asked him, guess he sees me as that too.) As I am not listened to with my requests or even just what I say. I have been asking for him the last person to go to bed at night, to open the twins' door at night before bed. I would but I go to bed too early and they would surely get woken up when he comes barreling up the stairs to bed. I feel this will help it to be less stuffy in their room (that happens no matter what we do) it happens in our room too, so we sleep with the door opened. So anyway, I have been asking for weeks, not once has he remembered. This is just an example, whatever I request mostly things to help the children (I know nothing would ever get done for me) go in one ear and out the other. And whenever I speak no matter what I say I am always asked to repeat it. I am tired of that. I was so disgusted this morning when I got to get the babies and saw that their door was once again shut tight, that I let him sleep in because I didn't want to see him or talk to him. I didn't do it to be nice, why should I when he never does for me. So many times lately I find myself wishing I was a man, that I could just do the fun things of parenting. But, #1 that is not me, I know I would still do what I am doing anyway and #2 being a mom is the best part, everyone knows it's the mommys that are more important. Hehe So the only other option for me to get my needs met would be the impossible to switch sides. Ok, gotta go tend to the little ones crawling around all over the place. Happy New year everyone!