today's update

Well there is another snag. The day after my surgery, they saw fluid in there and they said don't worry about it, it will flow out or reabsorb. 3 days later when I started the meds, they saw it and said the same thing. Well today, I am sure there was less but they saw it again. Nice sono tech and bitchface nurse practitioner (yeah, bitchface nurse practitioner was there again and no doctor (but from what I understood Dr Airhead (the only doctor I really don't like there) would be in later, so there really is no difference)) both said it was not a lot and not in a bad spot so not to worry at all. Bitchface said worst case scenario, they would check it out at the retrival and transfer and if they couldn't do it, they would freeze the embryos and then I would have them transferred in a FET in another cycle. But we all know that my embryos don't make it to blastocyse. I know, I know, maybe this time they will. I'm just nervous, that what if it would be ok and they don't do the transfer or what if it's not ok and they do do the transfer. Was the whole week off next week a waste? I feel so sad. I feel defeated. I feel like me and D can never catch a break with anything we do, so why bother anymore. I know I am being very negative and I am sure that could change before the day is over but this is how I feel now. I don't know how I am going to get through the day today. I am almost in tears now. I was doing so well this time and was feeling pretty good when I went in there, I really was and now, I feel like a deflated balloon. Later when they call with the instructions, I am going to ask to speak to a nurse practicioner (probably I'll get Bitchface again!) or just try to ask which ever nurse calls some questions because I was so upset about this, I didn't even ask about my follicles or estrogen or anything else. I think from what I heard from the sono after I heard fluid and was trying to concentrate, that the range was like 14 or 14.5 to 20.5 and then there was the big one that we will loose. So I guess it's ok. And I asked who, will be doing the retrievals on Saturday and they said Dr B. I know one of my friends thought she was ok , but I have never met her (she is fairly new) and heard some not so nice things about her. I'm scared and really nervous. I just hate this so much. It's just so not fair. I keep asking god how much are we suppose to endure? I know that there are people a lot worse off than us but does that mean that we have to suffer? Haven't we been through enough??