Double Trouble

We have received the greatest gift we could possibly get. Not one, but two children to love.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

having a melt down

Please excuse the fact that this is a cut and paste from a board that I post on.

I am just so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin. The babies are not napping/sleeping well at all these days. So I am exhausted on top of everything else. We have their birthday party next weekend and my sister's wedding in Kentucky the weekend after. We have major financial issues but dh will be starting a new job after the wedding so once he finally gets paid it will take a few months to play catch up so to speak with everything. Eventually that will all be ok. The babies are 99% my responsibility. He is always "working"I say it like that because he does freelance work at home and I am SURE he is not working every second he is in his office. It is fine for at night while they are sleeping or suppose to be sleeping but he is like that on the weekends too. The only time he watches them either on the monitor or really with them is when I am showering or have an errand to run in the evening after he gets home late from work, or Sunday morning when I go food shopping and once in a while other occasional errands on the weekends. Anyway, he will never understand that I cannot do it all. I pay the bills, make all the calls, take them to all their appts (they are preemies) and pt, do all the shopping and laundry. And I do the little bit of cleaning and cooking that gets done. AND I have started doing some phone work for my uncle at home that was suppose to be while they are sleeping but during the time I can do it, they are never both alseep. And I cannot do it past 8:30pm. And I don't feel comfortable to turn down the sound on the monitor while they are awake. I just don't. It is not like it is a ton of money either. If can squeeze in an hour everyday it is not like it is alot of money, like $200-$250 a month. But my uncle calls me alot for a second here or there, it has been a long time since my cousin was a baby so he like most men, has no idea and no clue and I don't really get paid for that time. Some one complained to him that they heard kids in the background when I was on the phone, that was because they woke up when I was on the phone. I could not predict that. I told dh this and that I can't do it anymore and he is giving me a hard time. I know we need the money but I need my sanity too. I am on a diet but today I have eaten everything I can get my hands on. I am just so upset. I know this post is all over the place from one thought to the next with no real structure, sorry about that. Oh and also I have some medical issues going on and I can't even get to the doctor. I won't bring my preemies around sick people. And dh tells me everytime I complain as he calls it, that he cannot take off of work . I am just at my wits end. I love my babies so much I am just not happy today at all. And I don't know what to do. There are so many things, they don't sleep well, they fight me on eating, etc. And it is my responsibility to figure it all out, dh's only opinion was to put them to bed later like 8 o'clock. Which is way too late in my opinion. Anyway, I guess I should end this now otherwise I could go on for days or at least another 30 minutes when they normally wake up from their nap before the problems began and I guess I would call it quits if they don't sleep by them. Ok, bye.

Monday, October 08, 2007

don't even get me started....

First off, I want to say thanks for all the support as always but especially on my last few posts based on my current situation.

So two nights ago, I came down from my shower and HE WAS ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV!!! He saw my face and asked me what was wrong. Duh!! Those minutes he was watching tv, could have been spent with the babies during the day!!!

And today he is off and of course "working" all day. She is getting very difficult to feed. Lunch today was the worst meal yet. She does not want to sit in her high chair and sits there and cries. So I had to put her in her exersaucer to get her to eat. I didn't want to do that but I had no choice. So he comes in with lunch in his hand to see what is going on. Doesn't put the lunch down and come help, he just says whatever not important thing he said and went on about his business. I wanted to cry and just give up right there. This morning I got so pissed at him at one point, and my hands are killing me, so I said, I am going up to take a nap for 15 minutes. So figures that is when his mom calls, and he is like oh she went to take a nap, I'm with the babies. So now he looks like he is golden (they have no idea what is going on here) and I come down and he is on my laptop that is on the table and they are in the pack n play playing. I am like you got to be kidding me. I know I don't have to explain this to you guys. And he was like what, I just put them in there I was playing with them. Hello, it was only 15 minutes!!! When I put them in there or the exersaucer or the jumperoo, or whatever, unless I am cleaning up from them, I am right there next to them on the floor playing!!

And this takes the cake and he doesn't get why I am mad. He thinks I am wrong. Maybe I am but with everything all built up, I don't think so. I joined an in-real-life mothers of twins club. Last month when I wanted to go to the meeting that I had planned on going to for the first time, he had gotten a spur of the moment job interview after work. So I was like ok, no problem, we have no one to come over to watch them until you get home, so of course I will miss the meeting. So I had planned since then to go to the one tomorrow night. And he was suppose to have a second interview somewhere else tonight and they called today to see if he could change it until tomorrow. And he refused to ask them if they could do it Wednesday. He said well what if they get someone else who can go tomorrow and hire that guy. I said what if he was a single parent and had no childcare, he'd have to ask for that. If he said he had an appointment can they do it the next day, I'm sure they'd understand. He felt bad but obviously not bad enough. I also have something happening this Sunday, just worked out that it is in the same week (I really don't get to get out and socialize this much) and I told him I am going no matter what.

I am just so hurt, angry, confused, upset, heartbroken, sad, etc.


***edited to say: I always thought he resented me because I got to stay home and take care of the babies. But now I think he resents me because I think he thinks I don't work. He would never get it unless I was gone for like a month or something. Because even if he watched the babies for a week, nothing else I do would get done. Like phone calls(dr appts, presciptions,etc), paying bills, laundry, cleaning somewhat, etc. Men!!!*****


*****sorry edited again to add: I just got a lecture on how I am not affectionate and how I don't act like I love him either. Hello?!?!?!?!? Why would I be when he acts the way he does? I told him what I wanted him to do and that he should save himself the trouble of being affectionate right now, and of course he ran back into his office and closed the door as usual.*****

Saturday, October 06, 2007

what did I get myself into??

D is really being such a *&$#%^@ today!! And I am letting him know I'm mad. He will hang on me and be like but I love you. And I tell him that obviously he doesn't because my hands hurt so bad (carpal tunnel) and I am exhausted but do you think he could let me sleep in, this morning or ever?? NO!! Did he do baths with me? NO!! Did he play with them with me?? NO!! He did help feed them dinner, well some of dinner and all he did was criticize me. The rest of the time that these other things were going on when he was home today, he was "working" or shoving a camera in their face. I appreciate the millions of photos we have already but not at the expense of the bonding he should be doing with them during this precious time. He will come in and make them laugh when they are fussing and eating lunch, and say see I helped so you can finish feeding them. He has no clue how only providing financially is not enough and I am just too tired and exhausted to make him see. I am really feeling bad for bringing these children into a household that will not be good enough for them. They deserve the best and they will never have the 2 parents that they deserve.

I am also really down today. It is lonely take care of 2 babies by yourself 7 days a week. I do get the occasional visit from a friend, relative or D but basically it is just me and them (and the PT) everyday. I am trying to convince myself that the babies are my life and that only their health and happiness matters and nothing else. That I am here to raise them and I only matter in the capacity of their mother, nothing else. But so far it is not working.

I just can't feel close to him no matter how much I want to and it hurts me with the way he behaves. I can't have a simple conversation with him about the babies, house or whatever without it becoming a joke. Therefore I am forced to make most decisions alone or not at all. I just can't believe that this is what has become of our marriage.

I used to work with a woman whose husband was a real jerk. He wouldn't even take the kids on the weekend so that she could work a second job. While she was pregnant with #2 and in the hospital for a week for dehydration, he told her she was faking it. Well I always used to feel bad for her and here I am in almost the same situation. D is not that heartless but at least her husband did stuff around the house (refinishing the basement, oil changes on the cars, etc.) Like I said before D will "watch" them but it is never without an argument even on previously agreed times. As for housework, he mows the lawn and takes out the garbage and cleans the half bath once in a blue moon if I ask and that's it.

I am just so sad today.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

in respose to.....

Tina's comment on my last post or at least this part:

Just because you don't work outside the home (and this is in reference to D and your previous post) doesn't mean you are not doing HARD WORK. Having a baby is hard work - having twins is harder - and having twins with special needs right now is harder still. You need support, time for yourself, and sleep - and D has GOT to start giving you some help! I would not stand for that - I watched my mother be walked all over for all my life (and still is).


First, I just want to say, I am making a separate post for this because I am upset at the moment and need to get it off my chest and secondly because I wanted to respond to it.

You are right. But the problem is, I think he honestly feels that he is doing the best he can. He is not running around on me, he doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, go out with his friends for all hours, etc. He works and then comes home and does more freelance work. We do need the money so I am grateful for the freelance work he has. I just feel he needs better time management skills so that he can do his freelance when they sleep and be with the babies on the weekends at least when they are awake, either as a family or to give me a break. He does "watch" them when I go food shopping, have an occasional social thing (this just started), or need to run a baby-free errand on the weekend. But I agree, he does need to do more, as they are his babies too!! So that brings me back to what I said, he honestly thinks he is doing the best he can by "working" all the time to support us. I have recently told him and not totally kidding either that I want a divorce because I have had it and he told me he would never give me one. We also both still love each other. So basically my choices are to walk around mad all the time and me and the babies suffer (I suppose he would too but who cares lol) or let it go for now. And unfortunately, he will feel the pain in years to come when they only want me all the time. I have told him this and he laughs at me and gets angry. I do not want that for him or my babies but maybe it will be the thing to make him realize that he is missing out on the best thing life has to offer, his children. What else can I do??