how and why???

How can people be so ignorant? And why are they so insensitive??? I know that most people that are reading this are going through or have gone through infertility. I just ask the ones who have been successful or that deal with people in other situations where you have been successful but that they have not (like being married or owning a house or whatever it is) to please remember all what we have been through and be kind and sensitive when dealing with the unsuccessful ones. I know that I always try to be. And believe me, if there ever was going to be a time where I would forget, now I will think of what I am about to tell you and I know I will never forget.

Just to give a little history for a moment, I have a good friend that I have known for 15 years now. We were sorority sisters in college and have kept in touch all these year. We socialize with her and her hubby (first with #1 and now with #2) usually around once every month or every other month or so. So she is married to hubby #2 and between them they have 3 kids. Her mom stayed with her kids during the week while she and hubby worked since the moment they were born and then when she remarried, she cared for his daughter too, when needed. Now her mom has cancer and is going through treatments. She had to quit her job to care for the children and help in the caring for her mom too. Don't get me wrong I do feel terrible for her, I don't know what I'd do if it were my mom with cancer. And I know things are tight moneywise for them but they will be ok, her husband does pretty well.

Anyway, she knows everything we have been through. And all this time, when I have blown off most of my other friends with kids, she is the one person that I let slip through the cracks and sucked it up. I have ignored it when she has told me that "she can't relate but she understands" and talks about her kids 24/7 to me. We still socialize with them even when I am not up for going over there, ordering in food and having the kids be all around us (sometimes while she even goes through the mail and looks at the catalogs for all the kids things and show me the cute stuff) because she can't take a hint when I don't return phone calls or emails. I look at it as that I am doing my good deed. When we joined our sorority alumni chapter, I looked the other way when she asked D to go over and babysit with her hubby while we went to a meeting (and D said he didn't mind) and when she called me a week before Christmas to babysit so they could go shopping for the kids since they forgot to plan time when the kids were with their other parent (I didn't do it btw) and we didn't have kids so of course we could do it. She is the one person I must say who has a way (even though, yes I know she doesn't mean it) who makes me feel inferior because I am not a mom (she did the same thing when she was married and I wasn't). I kept my mouth shut when she told me about another friend of hers that I know that is expecting #3 (and is the same age as me and her) long after I thought they were done having kids (it was planned) and she told me that her friend said to her "I'm too old for this shit" about her pregnancy aches and pains. Even D, who doesn't get why I am hurt by alot of this, understood that one. Well last night was the final straw and I don't know what to do. D and I got in a huge blow out. We went through a really good phase of not fighting for like a month and the past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it is because I am hormonal from the birth control pills or because he is really cranky from working 14 hour days for the past 10 weeks or what. But anyway, last night we got in the biggest fight we have had in a really long time(we are ok now, btw) So I came upstairs to get away from him and checked my email before I was going to go to bed. Boy that was a mistake.

She had emailed about getting together. And after I had ignored her phone call and waited a week to email back, I told her that I was going to go to the sorority meeting in the beginning of April but that that would be it for my socializing for a while since we are going to be going through IVF and I am just not up to it right now. Well when I saw this email back from her and D and I were in that huge fight, I told him that he had a buddy and that he didn't need to fight me anymore, that she had hurt me so bad that it covered it for him too. Here is the second half of the email back(1st part was ok):


That's ok I totally understand!! (Husband's name) and I miss you guys but we can wait till May to hang out. I'll give you a buzz during the week to let you know whether or not I'll be able to go Saturday I still have to broach the subject with (husband's name) and even though I could get the girl around the corner to sit with them but (husband's name) will still have to get (daughter's name) from dance for me. But if I do go we can drive together and have some girl time lord knows I need it. The perils of being a stay at home Mom you miss having adult conversations.

Anyway I'll talk to you during the week.
(friend's name) : )

The ultimate fantasy for me would be to be a stay at home mom. Why didn't she just reach through the computer and rip my heart out? That would have hurt less. I mean I guess it is not the worst thing in the world but with the timing that I read it (which I know that she couldn't have known) and just all the things she has done and said since we told her all built up, I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. Oh and when she called me last year to go shopping for mothers day gifts, I told her that I couldn't handle it and I have told her that I can't/ don't want hear about certain things but I stopped saying it because obviously it went in one ear and out the other. How do I tell her that she is an insensitive bitch in a nice way? Ok fine, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me or do it on purpose but come on, how can she not realize with some of the things she has done/said? I mean it is like me complaining to a bald woman about how much hair I have (I do have alot of hair). Who would do that? I want to take a break from her friendship, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Everytime something would happen with her, I would take a deep breath and hope and pray that it would be the last time I feel like this because I will be pregnant soon. So far that hasn't happened. I don't even want to go to this sorority meeting because I don't want to be in the car with her. Lucky for me, she is flaky and probably won't even go.

Anyway, I am now almost in tears again because I had to read through that email a few more times while writing and editing this legnthy post. That's it for my rant and rave for today.

wooohoooo, I did it!!!

I officially lost 50 lbs.!!!! Well it is really 51lbs but today’s weigh in is what brought me over the 50lb. mark. I was totally expecting a gain today. I was not too good earlier in the week and I am on the birth control pills now, so this was such a shocker. I am so happy!!!!!!

d & c......

What exactly does that mean? I know it stands for something but I can't remember it at the moment. What exactly occurs when you have one besides the fact that you get put out and when you wake up it is all done? Why am I asking all these questions? Because I am having one on April 7. Just a little kink in our IVF schedule that I am not thrilled about or the fact that I have to even have this. I went this morning for a saline sono, the 4th I think that I have had. They have always been normal but this time, they actually saw (and I did too) a "benign thing" (as the dr called it) on the top of my uterus. It is a very small growth or polyup that is so small that he almost missed it. He said that he has seen people get pregnant with that in the same spot and if I were a first time IVFer that he would say to leave it and that it is no problem. BUT being that he knows me, he said that he knew I wouldn't sleep at night and that if for some reason this IVF didn't work, I would always be asking if this was why, that he would recommend a d & c. And when I asked him what he would do if it were his wife and he said that he would tell her to do it, I decided that I needed to also. I am trying to look at it as a good thing. I mean better they saw this now where there is no health risk to me rather than have it get bigger and then there could be. And it could be good because my uterus will be like brand new, ready for embryos to implant. So like I said that this will be on April 7, which is the wedding anniversary of a really wonderful couple. And if I heard him correctly about when we can start up meds again and stuff, the retrieval may possibly fall on our 5th wedding anniversary or Greek Orthodox Easter (D is Greek Orthodox). So I have to take all this as a good thing and as an omen that good things are coming for us.

kitty butt photo

Not much new going on here, we had a pretty quiet weekend which was fine with me. I just thought I'd post this cute Ginger butt photo that D took. Well it was funnier when he was actually taking it but anyway, here it is.

yesterday's RE appointment

So I went to the RE yesterday for day 3 bloodwork and a sono and I thought I would feel happy to start things up again and to bring us this much closer to possibly having a baby. But as I was sitting on the table waiting for them, all I could do was think "I can't believe that I have to do this again." I tried to shake that feeling but I couldn't. I mean everything went as well as it could have possibly gone, everyone remembered me and was so nice and complimented me on my weightloss (almost 50lbs), even Dawn the bitchy nurse, but I just felt this sadness when I was there. Then when I went in the car, I called D to tell him about the appointment and I cried. I felt better after that but it was just not what I was expecting to feel at all.

So now I take the dreaded birth control pills until next Saturday. I go in on Tuesday for another saline sono and then next Saturday for bloodwork and a sono, D will be coming with me then to sign some the consent forms again (our last set expired already). That pretty much covers it, I'd better get to work. Have a great day to whoever is reading this!

let the fun and games begin.......

Ok folks, aunt flo came yesterday, so now the ball is rolling. I go for my cd3 bloodwork and sono (and will most likely start the birth control pills) tomorrow. I start up acupuncture tomorrow night. It just seems so weird to me that this is really happening. I feel like it is an outerbody experience, like it is not really me that it is happening to. I guess because we have waited so long for this to start up again. It's just very strange. D is excited about it (at least he says he is) so I guess that is a good thing. I am too, very excited, along with lots of other feelings and emotions which we all know will become even more so once the bcps/ meds come. I have waited so long for this but at the same time, it seems to be happening so fast. I know that makes no sense, but who says I have to make sense?

And tell me why these kinds of people deserve to have children??

I went to Quest lab this morning for b/w and I saw something so disturbing. A woman was there that had to weigh at least 4oolbs and her 4 year old daughter. That part is fine, I mean yes the woman should lose weight but who am I to say that? The horrifying part is, the little girl was so heavy, I mean she had baby boobs. She was so adorable, but she was just so obese, it was awful. She was like one of those children you see on the talk shows about overweight children. And then to make matters worse, the mother hardly paid attention to her. I wasn't sure if that was even her mother. The only way I was able to determine it was the family resemblance. There was a woman next to the child talking to her more than her own mother. At first I thought they were together. All the little girl wanted was some loving and attention. The mother was standing and towards the end of my seeing them the girl went over to her mom and was trying to hug her and get attention and the mother seemed annoyed and was ignoring her. It broke my heart and made me so sick. So I ask you, what kind of woman, that obviously does not monitor her child's diet and probably feeds her Mc Donald's everyday that ignores her child deserves to have children???

does this sound believable???

If you are reading this, please let me know what you think. My mom is selling her house and moving down to her condo in Florida. She put the house on the market (no realtor) last month. She has had ads in papers and online and a sign up in front of the house. She has had 2 weekends that she did an open house. That much is true. Well yesterday I left work early to go to Dr S. I told 2 people that I had to leave to go with my mom to the lawyer (they know my mom is selling the house. ) I didn't say why or anything. Does it sound believable to say that she got an offer and they went to contract yesterday? (As of mid-last week they had asked if she had any offers and I said no but some people were very interested. ) And that the week I will be taking off probably the 10th-14th, will be because she closed and I am helping her move?? I mean I guess it sounds ok, just that it is all happening so fast (supposedly) but I guess that can really happen, right?? Hopefully you guys will post some responses before I have to explain yesterday to anyone. Thanks in advance!!!!

ok, it's official.........

Starting our 3rd and last IVF at the old place. I went there today for consult #2 for this and picked Dr S's brain some more. But as I was advised, I didn't pick it too much, I need most of the brain to be left intact for my IVF. :) He answered a lot of questions that I had and some that I didn't have. It all made sense while I was in there but I don't think I could repeat any of it now. I do have to go for more b/w, it is new stuff they require and he forgot to add it to the work up D and I had last month. But that's ok. I asked him to check my blood sugar too, it has been a few years and diabetes runs in the family and I have been very tired lately (thyroid was checked last time, it is fine) so I am getting that done too.

Here's the protocol:
Starting on cd3, 10 days of bcp, 3 days of nothing and then start stims and something else (that is used instead of Lupron and does not need a headstart but I forgot the name) for approx. 10 days, then hcg and well, you know the rest. AF is coming next week, so this should bring my retrieval to be right around Passover or maybe a bit before. All depends on AF and how I do on the stims.

WOW I feel weird doing this all again. Kind of anxious, excited, nervous..... the list can go on. This is different than any protocol that I have had before, so I feel good about it. Also, I am hoping my weightloss will help. D and I figured out, I am 30lbs less than the first IVF and 40lbs less than the second, so hopefully it will make some sort of difference. I guess we will see. My beta would probably be right after our 5th anniversary. How nice would a bfp be for an anniversary present? And if that is not the case, even though D says to wait, I think I will start getting info on adoption. So one way or another we will get our baby!!

Also, I am taking a 5 or 6 days vacation from work for this and I am so looking forward to it. We just came out of our busy season and I need it badly. They don't know about all this and since each day is so iffy after the retrieval, I'd rather just take the whole time off and relax. I will still have 3 vacation days that renew in September and 5 floating holidays that last until December and 6 sick days. So I am totally ok with time off. I can't wait!!

Celebrity baby boom

Yay, I'm not crazy. They were talking about it on the Early Today (channel 4) show this morning. Well they were talking about how maternity clothes are getting more and more fashionable and that was due to the celebrity baby boom. So it is all around us more than ever before, it is not just all in my head.

my weekend

I have to say all in all (except for the dentist's yesterday) I had a pretty nice weekend. Better than I have had in a long time. I guess it was a girl’s weekend, as D was home doing work he brought home and relaxing while recovering from a weeklong cold he has had. I went yesterday with a good friend of mine to get a mani/pedi and walked around the mall and went to dinner. It was great company and I got pampered and served and was home early. What more can a girl ask for?? Today, I went to a sorority alumni (yes, I was a sorority girl in college) meeting. Good company, good food and being around people that were happy to see me. And the best thing of all about the weekend, I was not worried about baby talk or seeing any pregnant women or anything like that. In both of these situations, it's just not like that and not about that. I mean there were some women there today that could have technically been pregnant (due to age and marital status) but there weren't and as for the baby/kid talk, there just wasn't. So all weekend I have just felt comfortable and had a good time. It was really nice. The only thing that could have made it better was to be able to spend more time with D. I missed him.

Oh yeah, one more thing, I wore a pair of jeans today in a size that I have not fit into in years. That was pretty exciting too! :)

adding photos....

The one in my profile is Pixie. And to be fair, I must put a pic of Ginger, our new baby.

first post

Hello, I am new at this so bear with me. I did have a blog a few years ago but it was not one that was shared, it was a personal diary with only a few entries. This is my first public one. This seems to be the thing to do now, so I figured I'd join all the other bloggers out there.

Went to the dentist today. Got X-rays. Dental assistant asked, "pregnant?" Of course not. At Weight Watchers (WW) the other day, the leader asked, how many people have kids. Did I raise my hand? Of course not. D got a call today that his hairdresser, who gets pregnant by looking at a guy, had her baby (#3 or 4 I believe and she is my age) and so and so would be cutting his hair next week. This is all around me. I wonder if it has always been and I never noticed before or if it really is more around me now than ever before. I just wonder when it will be my turn. I am fine with waiting as long as I know that my turn is coming but there are no guarantees. I could wait forever and it could not happen. It is just all very frustrating and discouraging.

Also at the dentist today, he was telling me that his birthday was next week and that he was going to be ancient.........34, my age. That made me feel really good (NOT!!) especially knowing that he has a little baby girl at home and my "cradle" is empty. I will be 35 in November and very scared that I will be turning 35 no better off than I was when I was 31 or 32 or 33, still no pregnancy and no babies. We will be starting IVF #3, the last and final IVF, when the ol' hag comes. I am hoping the most that a person can possibly hope that this will work. Not only for me but for D too. Without hope what have you got?